You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
