I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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