Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
