News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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