You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
