my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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