you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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