whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
