I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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