I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
