How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
