I think my fart just growled at me.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My underwear smells like fireworks.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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