So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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