just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
