watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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