Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize