Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
