My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
