No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just pee around me
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
