i was born a porn star she said
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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