roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
