i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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