I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
