Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
