you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
