Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
