I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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