I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
