Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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