He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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