i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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