So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
