I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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