I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize