you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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