My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
