Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize