A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
