I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Randomize
