I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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