we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
