Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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