God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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