a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
