Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
