man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
