look no pants
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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