i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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