I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Can you repeat that, but with context?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
