My room smells like vodka and shame
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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