you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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