i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Swine flu is the new snow day.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
