Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
