Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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