Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
