I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just cropdusted the office
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
