Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
don't judge my taste in strippers
i need to put some appletini on your dick
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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