go do what you do best...puke behind churches
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
