He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
