he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
