I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize