so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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