I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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