What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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