threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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