So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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