So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
