Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
